Solutions for Life

Since no one else is woman enough to come up with a solution to stop the BP oil spill that isn’t piss-poor, I guess I have to do that too. Well, my fellow World-lians, it’s easy. First, we castrate all BP employees just because we can. Next, we use all their castrated man-parts and simply fill the leaking pipe until it’s full. And if we run out, we’ll probably just kill some of the hippies in the Gulf and stick their bodies up in there.

Now to clean up the rest of the oil that’s already been spilled, we then would take all the freshly ball-less employees and feed it to them. The rest of the remaining tree-huggers would be put in charge of animal rescue and all that fun stuff.

And finally, I would be paid 10 million dollars and a taco for this brilliant idea. Oh, and I want my own official day (if we have Teddy Geiger day, we can definitely afford to give me a holiday. Like seriously, what the hell has Teddy Geiger ever done?) which will be celebrated on my birthday, July 18.

Speaking of my birthday, here’s my wish list (and by “wish list” I mean you better buy me this shit or suffer and die):

I want a digital camera because my old one’s broken and even if it wasn’t, it still sucks and Ashton Kutcher promised me better with this one. And he was on That 70’s Show.

I want a unicorn because, let’s face it, unicorns rock. I also rock. Except I rock more because I can ride the unicorn and make him my bitch.

If I’m gonna get a unicorn, I might as well go ahead and get the whole package. Just not that happy. Put a bullet in the sunshine and we’ll talk.

Money rocks. Get me lots of that shiz.

I asked for a rainbow and a unicorn, wouldn’t glitter just be implied? Well, in case it’s not, I want some. Gotta have some sparkles up in here.

Muffins, store bought or otherwise, are always an acceptable gift. Feel free to put some frosting on them and make ’em cupcakes too.

And if you’re willing, I wouldn’t mind Shane Dawson to show up at my party or in my car trunk. That’d be cool.

Oh, and where do you guys want to go for the party? ‘Cause I don’t want it at my house and if I have to choose the location it’ll end up at Wal-Mart.

And for your viewing pleasure:

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