The Sickly Hands of Time

20131019-073441.jpgIt’s really hard not to lose that edgy attitude that makes being a teenager so great— that sort of arrogance and “fuck you!” attitude, whilst maturing and becoming an informed adult who can actually articulate beyond telling people to “shove it up their ass”. I don’t want to lose that part of me that’s crazy and reckless and isn’t gonna take shit from anybody. It almost scares me because I can just feel that part of me dying everyday, like I just evolve more and more into this boring adult creature who just has no fight left in them and if someone tells me to jump, I’m asking “how high?” I swore to myself I’d never become that and yet here I am, fresh-faced and enrolled in college with a full time job. Next thing I know, I’ll be a married housewife chained to the kitchen sink with four kids gnawing at my legs and a naggy mother-in-law berating me through the phone.

This wasn’t the plan. A few years ago I would have punched someone in the face for ever even making me consider stepping foot on a college campus, and forget holding down a “normal” job because I was cool and crazy and I wasn’t going to take anybody’s advice or follow anybody’s fucking rules because I’d be dammed if I was gonna be some type of conformist or let “the man” hold me down. Perhaps these were just stupid ideas of youthful naivety, but it was like I woke up for a reason everyday; I woke up to fight the system and to crush my so-called enemies and all this great, what seemed “epic” kind of stuff. Now I wake up to go to work and that’s about it, and that’s about all I see myself doing for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I think the adversity really fueled me but then I take a good, hard look back on those days and remember just how painful they were, and how unhappy I was that the whole world was seemingly working against me, and it’s like, why do I want to go back to that? But then there’s this stale, stagnant view of my life today that essentially has me going through the motions day to day just to survive, and I really can’t decide which one is worse. It’s like, do I want something horrible to happen or just nothing at all? What’s sad is that the former really isn’t so different from the latter…

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

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