After fighting a bitter custody battle for my younger brother for a little over year now, these are the things I know to hold true about what it takes to bring a case to court…
- Buy plenty of lube. No matter what happens, nothing good will ever come out of going to court. Even if it’s good news, it’s still bad and even if it’s the right ruling, it still really doesn’t fix much. Always have your anal cavity open and ready to be thrashed for hours on end repeatedly by both lawyer and judge.
- Lying is just a thing people do. My mother lied so much in court, I was fully prepared for the day she’d get on the stand and tell everyone myself and my family were full blown ISIS members and that my brother was secretly Jihadi Jon or some other inane bullshit like that. There is no logic or reasoning with these types of people; simply throwing whatever the fuck they want out into the open air and seeing what sticks is apparently much more effective than telling the truth will ever be. It also saves them time and money because then they don’t have to worry about silly things like “evidence” and “coming up with a reasonable argument.”
- Everything is time consuming. Nothing will ever be done in a timely manner, and you will be paying for every single second you’re fighting the case, in court or out. Both your prison wallet and your actual wallet will be in pain for a long while before, during and even after your court date, so prepare your legs because sitting’s going to be out of the question for a while.
- Lawyers are useless. You will end up doing 98% of the work yourself, while paying someone else to be the face of said work and to take all the credit (as well as your money and any happiness you might have had left). You shouldn’t expect that things will get done in a timely manner because you shouldn’t expect that anything will get done at all, unless you’re the one doing it.
- If you’re sleeping at night and not vomiting at least twice a day from stress, you’re clearly not invested enough in your case. There will not be a day of work that you won’t want to peel your face off because you’re exhausted from all the weight you’re carrying, not a drive home that you won’t want to or aren’t already crying on, not an evening of rest or relaxation, and certainly not a wink of sleep that doesn’t culminate in waking up at four in the morning in a rage with cold sweat dripping down your face. Only when you start having severe panic attacks will you know you’ve devoted enough time, money and energy to the proceedings.
- No one actually likes you. Never have I seen people flock so fast to a side that wasn’t mine then when I decided to start a court case against my mother, even if I was in the right. Almost my entire family disowned me and then stabbed me in the back to boot, friends who “had my back” suddenly disappeared when it came time to testify on my behalf, and even random strangers came out of the woodwork just to tell me how evil I was, despite knowing nothing of the case aside from from secondhand information they’d gotten through the grapevine, that were of course all lies anyway. It doesn’t matter if you’re suing the offspring of Hitler and Satan or the entire Legion of Doom, if you think you have friends or family members that love you unconditionally, start up a year-long court battle and see how long everyone sticks around.
- You will probably combust. You have to be optimistic about the end result because otherwise you will not make it to that point (also not valuing yourself at all and enjoying some level of self-harm helps, too) but the road to that end is a very painful, lonely journey, and after a quagmire of lawsuits, betrayal and finger-pointing, it is not possible to walk away without some amount of acrimony following you around. If you are as positive as you are bitter, you will break.
§Rainbows & Skeletons§