Researching the Blues

I know it’s been a while and I’ll eventually tie up the loose ends from the last time I ended up rambling on incoherently here, but for now, strap yourselves in, because I’m in the car of complaints, and I’m apparently ready to go racing once again…

I’ve had a lot of falling outs with people recently, which has been difficult to do because it’s not like I had a lot of people to fall out with to begin with, and of course all the emotional hoopla that comes with severing decade-long attachments to people whom you loved and thought loved you, but hey, who cares about that? As always, everything is my fault, though I must say, I truly know not what I do. Whether I’m just stupid or emotionally unavailable (actually, I’m both), or if we’re just spinning the wheel for ideas on why I suck, I guess the gods have decided, the pen has writ, and I’m all set to die alone. Good for me. 

     That’s less of what I want to talk about, though; people not cumming their pants over me isn’t exactly news. 

I strive everyday to change problematic behaviors within myself and to address the brokenness in my head, home, and heart (okay, every day might be pushing it, but at least three times a week), and to restore some sense of sanity and like, I don’t know, fun? reasons to wake up everyday? anything that’s not bitter and agonizing crippling depression? to my otherwise sad and frankly, disappointing existence. And not to take away from my adversaries, but I don’t believe they do any of that, and I’m a bit tired of always having to be the introspective one. I know I suck, and I’m fairly confident (and consistent!) in the reasons why. But due to my antagonists’ lackluster self-examination, I guess I have to do all the work yet again, and let everyone else know exactly why they suck and why our relationships keep ending. I’m going about this the wrong way, as always, and I’m going to be upfront about this by saying I know that, but I’m only trying to help. 

      So here it is, comrades, my current reasons why we’re no longer liking each other’s Facebook posts and other things that indicate friendship in this weird day and age…

Exhibit A) You’re RUDE. Not chewing with your mouth open or forgetting to tip the valet rude. Those things are bad enough, but not so much so that I’d take time out of my day to unfollow you on Twitter AND Instagram over. No, you’re rude for reasons you probably don’t even consider, or worse, that you do and you either don’t care or don’t think are “that bad”. What are you going on about, R&S? I’m talking about the kind of rude that leads to getting invited to things like baby showers and bridal showers but never receiving an invite to the actual wedding or to see the new baby. I’m talking about the kind of rude that means I show up (and I have depression, mind you, so getting up, getting dressed, and showing up for you?! Not exactly an easy feet. But I don’t brag or expect accolades or minstrels writing songs about me, because you’re my friend). I come bearing nothing but gifts, well-wishes, and hopefully if I’m doing this right, a good sense of friendship and camaraderie. Never mind that you didn’t come to my birthday party this year, last year, or the year before that, that people close to me have died and I’ve received a whole lotta nothing from you, that my life has gone to shit multiple times and I’ve had zero inquiry from you or yours, because none of that matters. I’m here for you, on your special day. Except not that special day, because that’s reserved for people in your life that you actually give some semblance of a shit about and aren’t just using for the free loot. Which brings me to…

Exhibit B) The gifts. Oh, the gifts. Everyone has their own “love language” and mine is gift-giving. I don’t have a lot in the way of physical affection, or more unfortunate, quality time to give. Childhood trauma and my undying devotion to my career (yeah, I have one of those now; we’ll get to that) have pretty much ruined any chance of that (those two things are linked btw, how fun is that!!) but I am an excellent gift-giver as you very well should be when it’s all you’ve got to offer. I pay attention to people, I promise, and I hope it shows up in the gifts I give. Favorite colors, scents, etc, I really do my due diligence to show my love for people with the presents I give. And I guess I’m somewhat human because boy howdy, do my feelings get mighty hurt when that love isn’t reciprocated!! Call me selfish, but I feel like it’s rude to not say “thank you” when someone gets you something. And call me downright egotistical, but I feel like it’s really rude to not only NOT say “thank you” but to not say anything…like, at all. And because I’m such a fucking good little gift-giving elf, this has become a huge problem of mine (and I know it’s my problem because who else’s problem would it be? Certainly not theirs), and I’m not exactly sure on how to proceed after such a shit show. So I don’t. So if you’re waiting for a text or another Instagram like, just know I’m still waiting for a “thank you”, and more importantly, any sign of human life left behind your eyes that would show me that I actually matter beyond what money I can drop on your occasion. I’m waiting on that wedding invite and that birthday invitation, or just a phone call and a night out that maybe didn’t culminate with me just being the human ATM. And to wrap up…

Exhibit C) Things are not always going to be peachy-keen. I have a lot of lows. I admit that. Read this blog and you’ll see that I admit that a lot. I have a lot of lows. Much more so than highs. It is what it is. I invite you in to my high points and I don’t really expect you to stick around during the lows, though maybe I should and maybe you should want to. I obviously do friendship wrong. I try my best but there’s something lacking, or maybe I come off too strong, or something. I genuinely don’t know what it is. I have a lot of lows and I have a lot of flaws. I think asking friends to stick around when things aren’t all sunshine and butterflies isn’t too much to ask. No one can be on the up and up all the time. I recently went through a bout of unemployment (hardy-har, big surprise) and had 100% of my friendships end. 100%. Do I have to go on? Not just with this blog, but like, my life…do I have to go on? Well, my “bout” eventually ended and though I really wanted it to, my life didn’t, so I was forced to get off the floor once again and continue pursuing life, love, and happiness, all the more shitty at those things than ever before. 

I still have no friends, but I’m hoping this will help me get some of the anger and bitterness that obviously still exists in me out so I can pursue new relationships and probably new avenues to hurt and heartbreak 🙄 


Please Anyone That Can Give Me Any Advice As To Why Everything I Touch Turns To Solid Shit, Leave A Comment Below,


§Rainbows & Skeletons§

P.S. sorry to anyone that expected me to return with my life together and like, a positive outlook on anything. This isn’t a fairytale and I’m evidently not a princess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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