Night Songs

pp123Unedited, middle of the night word vomit.

✦✴✦

2015 MAR 15 4:35AM

Tried to have a moment of reflection and feign empathy for a person I feel has gone truly psychotic in a wild attempt to understand why and how someone would and could be so cruel. What a trip that was.

✦✴✦

2015 JAN 23 1:07AM

Shopping for video games for my youngest brother’s upcoming ninth birthday and realizing how little I understand or relate to this next generation of kids had me concerned that I was officially old and losing touch…then it dawned on me— I’m not losing touch; I don’t understand people in general regardless of their age and have a difficult time relating to anyone because I’m actually a martian sent here from another planet. Problem solved.

✦✴✦

2015 JAN 01 12:00AM

I’m trying so hard to find something inspirational to say but really things have just gotten so much worse and I want to die more than ever, like the only thing I wish for this year is to finally muster up the guts to end this whole fucking circus that is my life already.

✦✴✦

2014 OCT 13 11:24PM

Remember when I was told it’d be a good idea to put myself $25k in debt to get a college education and now I’m not even 20-years-old, still have no degree and am twenty-five tHOUSAND DOLLARS IN DEBT haha I hope I die

✦✴✦

2014 SEP 22 4:19PM

I guess we’ll just talk about the weather from now on because it’s obvious that anything beyond that is just going to cause problems, and it’s not like you really care what I have to say anyway.

✦✴✦

2014 SEP 07 12:57AM

Your existence isn’t profound. The fact that your parents had unprotected sex and nine months later you happen to have popped out doesn’t make you special or give your life any type of meaning. You have to do that yourself.

✦✴✦

2014 AUG 09 3:47AM

Basically everyone has told me that if I mess up now, my whole life will be screwed up forever, so naturally my initial reaction is to go ahead and test that theory…and wow, I’m still alive. Life hasn’t ended. The world never stopped turning. There’s still time to get my shit together and to go kick ass. What a concept.

✦✴✦

2014 AUG 05 1:19AM

More unsolicited life advice: I’m antisocial and cynical and I need to “knock it off”— maybe you’re right…so congratulations, since you’re part of the problem you’ll be the first to go. #GirlBye

✦✴✦

2014 JUL 08 4:42PM

It’s a love-hate relationship. I love my mom and I know she loves me, but we disagree on a lot of things and we have completely different ways of doing things, of thinking and of looking at the world, and because of this we just really don’t get along. I told her the last time I visited her though, that she’s all I’ve got; she’s the only one on my side and when she isn’t, I’m all alone. I don’t have anyone else to turn to or to talk to, so when we have our disagreements and we end up spending the next two months or six months or however long it takes to put our egos back in check, not talking to each other and being angry and bitter, that kills me, and it makes me so depressed and so desperate, and even more-so is that it makes me even angrier at her because it’s like, I’m hurting over here, wanting so badly for her to be in my life, NEEDING her so very desperately and then having her ignore me— of course I’m going to harbor resentment over that. And of course all our little “spats” only tear down the relationship more and more, so lately it’s gotten to the point where we hardly speak, and if we do it’s about the weather or something else just as meaningless because that’s about all we can manage without getting into it with each other.
A part of me wants to believe that this is the beginning of a new relationship with one another, and that we’re starting off small with pointless little chit-chat and that, way in the future, we’ll be able to talk like old friends— like we’re meeting new people entirely…but realistically, I imagine this is only the beginning of the end, and that eventually our conversations will go from small talk to no talk, and eventually there’ll be no relationship left at all. You can only talk about the weather for so long; eventually we’ll have to start getting into our deep-seeded issues and that’s a long and painful road to go down, that will take a lot of time, patience, compassion and understanding that I don’t necessarily have a whole lot left of to give. She’s held her pride more than she’s held me, is all I’m saying…

✦✴✦

2014 JUL 03 2:18AM

Don’t forget this moment. Don’t forget that you’re sitting in your room alone, after another passive-aggressive, silent argument with your mother— someone you flew across the country to see and that you put up with a month of BS for when you truly only wanted to stay a week. Don’t forget the way this entire trip has felt and all the stress that it has caused you. Don’t forget this moment. And more importantly, in a month or two when she inevitably calls you…remember to hang up the phone.

✦✴✦

2014 MAY 28 5:36PM

Questions about school:

Did you graduate high school? NO
Are you enjoying college? NO
What’s your major? DON’T HAVE ONE
What’s your minor? DON’T HAVE ONE
What are your future career plans? DON’T HAVE ANY
Would you like to continue this conversation? NO

Listen to me— I am very powerful and cute, and I’m going to float through this world one day at a time. Please leave me alone.

✦✴✦

2014 MAY 18 4:42AM

I’m so pissed off that our universe is so vast and awesome and I’m not smart enough or motivated enough or anything ENOUGH to even begin to understand it.

✦✴✦

2014 MAY 14 10:32PM

*Illegally downloads alleged “favorite” bands’ records*
*Buys bootlegged merch*
*Doesn’t go to shows*

“Rock n’ roll/heavy metal is dying out, I wonder why…”

-people I refuse to associate myself with.

✦✴✦

2014 MAY 14 2:54AM

Social anxiety: what am I so afraid of?

I want to say judgement at first— that I care what other people think of me entirely too much. But it’s more than that; I’m afraid of their judgement because what they think is immediately tied into my self-worth, and I feel like if they don’t like me, or that they think negatively about me, it’s going to drop the ball on my already low self-esteem and that ultimately it’s going to hurt me or break my heart or something along those lines. I’m so afraid of pain, and of getting hurt, and especially at the hands of others. I want to love and to trust, to support people in their lives and allow them to follow their dreams. I want to be inviting and caring, and I want people to feel safe and involved. And I don’t want these people to turn around and hurt me. I can’t fully love and care and do all those things for people if I’m scared of them though, which deep down I am.

✦✴✦

2014 MAR 22 2:54AM

I don’t know if childhood has gotten any better or worse from the 70s up until now, just that it’s different. Jake is growing up in what I would consider a radically different world than the one Nick and I did— though there’s only a little over ten years between us, but I wouldn’t say that it’s far worse for him, or that myself or Nick had it any better.
It’s upsetting, however, to see the lack of imagination and self-expression in Millennials today, and this article has led me to believe that maybe the constant hovering of adults in our childhood has something to do with it. In school, we aren’t taught to be unique, creative, free-thinkers anymore— quite the opposite; these people are often considered defective and their ways of thinking counterproductive— if you’re not just another brick in the wall, you’re a problem, you’re interfering with the system, and you’ve got to go, and at no point have schools failed to at least try to stomp this out of people (many times successfully). At home, it’s more of the same: life isn’t about art or having passion or following dreams. You’re meant to grow up, get a job, make money and pay your rent bill until you die, and perhaps have hope to be surprised along the way. There’s no time to make mistakes, no room for error, no place for true childhood, to learn, to grow— it’s pre-adulthood, all eyes are on you and every step you take is of critical importance for the future, and EVERYTHING is about the future; if you screw up now, it’s all over.
At 18, I’ve been criticized to the point of creative paralysis, having inadvertently participated in so much self-sabotage over the years trying to be the best this, or to do the best that, etc failing miserably each time because nothing was ever good enough for myself or for whoever, that now I wake up everyday with no idea of who I am or who I want to be or what I’m doing or why I’m doing it, and I’ve been asking myself these questions daily for the past, I don’t know, five-six years?? and the answer has yet to come.

✦✴✦

2014 JAN 25 4:50AM

There’s nothing more awkward than standing in front of a room full of people you don’t know and talking solely and exclusively about yourself. I’m a jaded, miserable person— I don’t want to be this way, and I try not to let it show whenever someone inevitably attempts small talk whilst we’re begrudgingly forced to share an elevator for all of five minutes, or in any other uncomfortable situation where unfortunately social interaction cannot be avoided. And though I can conceal my personality to a degree and sort of go along and play nice with people (though I must say, it’s getting harder and harder anymore), eventually the true me will rear its head and then people will go back to doing what they do best; avoiding me like grim death…which I suppose is sort of what I want.

✦✴✦

2014 JAN 08 6:50PM

It’s not fair— other people buzz off of doing things and going places and being with one another and I just hate all of that. I don’t want to be but it’s just how I am, it’s how I’m wired.

I feel like I’m missing out on a fundamental part of being alive. Like if you can’t connect to other people, what’s the point? Because I’ve tried everything else to fill the void in my life but nothing makes me less lonely or more enthusiastic.

✦✴✦

2013 DEC 31 3:54AM

“I don’t want to live to waste another day underneath the shadow of mistakes I’ve made”

I danced to lots of cool albums, I laughed with lots of comedians, I watched some great movies and saw some killer concerts. Jake turned seven. I turned eighteen. Nick, my oldest brother, turned TWENTY. My best friend visited in November and we had a really great time together. Had lots of friends over for Thanksgiving. Christmas wasn’t the worst day ever (I mostly spent it alone). And maybe New Years Eve won’t suck too much either…

✦✴✦

2013 DEC 30 2:53AM

*5/30/14: I compiled this list throughout the year of all the bad things that happened to me and everything that went wrong in the year 2013. Looking back, I don’t know why; why did it matter to me to keep such a record of negativity? What purpose did it serve? And yet, not only did I write the list, I’ve held onto it ever since— until today. This blog is cathartic in the sense that I can throw stuff like this out into the world and not have to sit on it any longer…so thanks for that.

Why 2013 sucks:

January
1 – Flat tire, broken down in pouring rain
5 – bank account $400 overdrawn
6 – Family fight
8 – rejected from college
9 – Adam leaves Three Days Grace
11 – Dentist appointment cancelled for no reason
25 – Underoath’s last show

February
13 – insurance screws me over on finding dentist
25 – Got sick

May
3 – classes dropped second time for no reason

June
3 – panic attack, missed first day of class
11 – audited by IRS for $3k
22 – mom leaves again

July
8 – stranded by own brother five hours in the rain
18 – had to walk 5.3 miles home from class in 90+ degree heat ON MY BIRTHDAY

August
20 – hit head on doorknob, had to take defensive driving, got toothpaste in eye

September
30 – dropped from classes again

November
29 – failed almost all my classes

December
10 – fight/mom attacked me

✦✴✦

2013 NOV 18 1:15AM

Pile of clean clothes I’m too lazy to put away
Pile of maybe clean clothes, I don’t know and I’m too lazy to check
Pile of probably more than likely dirty clothes but too lazy to check
Pile of definitely dirty clothes, too lazy to wash
Pile of new clothes I just bought that I should wash but nope, too lazy.

✦✴✦

2013 NOV 11 4:37AM

“The answers are all on the inside” – my therapist.

I’m a pretty introspective person, to the point where it becomes a nuisance. If the answers were all inside me I wouldn’t fucking be talking to you, now would I?

✦✴✦

2013 NOV 10 3:08AM

I’m failing my fall semester and have yet to find any reason on earth left to care, yet still somehow managed to find the motivation to sign up for spring classes the other day. Things are odd for me at the moment.

I had another freak out on career choices and decided that I no longer want to be a lawyer. My career counselor gave me another aptitude test and told me to call her when I’ve decided on yet another major. She might not get that call for a while.

I’ve started to read books again though so that’s weird. I haven’t practically read anything since I left high school and that was well over two years ago. It’s progress, I suppose.

✦✴✦

2013 OCT 27 8:14PM

So I just got an email from my professor saying I wrote a paper on the wrong Battle Royale for English (apparently there’s two books both with the same name, one by some asshat named Ralph Ellison and the one I wrote about, by Koushun Takami) and she said that she’s not going to accept it despite there being no clear indicator in the syllabus of which book to read, and to instead get the other book and attempt to read and then write another 700 word essay in the next two days to get, at most, a 70%. Fuck that shit. Fuck college. Fuck it all. There is literally no word or phrase in the English language that could possibly describe how DONE I am with this shit. I’m not re-writing the essay. Fail me then, you daft fucking moron, what the hell else do I have to lose??

✦✴✦

2013 OCT 19 4:11PM

Growing up sucks, especially when you realize that most of the problems in your life have been because of your own self. If I hadn’t been such an anti-social, self-important, teenage brat for the past six years, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today. Then again, maybe my life would be that much worse! But I had to be loud and in people’s faces, that was the only way to make anyone listen to me. I was a brat for my own survival. I didn’t know how to express myself in a healthy, non-volatile way and the only way I could make anybody hear me out was to be as obnoxious as possible about whatever was bothering me and then maybe people might’ve turned to see what all the fuss was about. Nobody cared when I tried to kill myself after having a mental breakdown in the middle of my living room, but boy, did they sure start to pay attention when I made a huge scene in the middle of the grocery store or when I started screaming obscenities at the principal in high school!

That was the only way I knew how to get any attention. I’d try to tell my parents or my teachers that I was upset or stressed out and it didn’t matter. They’d sweep the problem under the rug and tell me I was overreacting or being dramatic, and to get over it because “that’s just life”. Nobody cared unless I broke something or got in trouble somewhere, and that became the real game-changer because suddenly I was making these people look bad and oh my god, no, we can’t be having that. But that was the only way to get help with anything, by being a brat and being a trouble maker, and I’m not trying to justify being difficult, but this is literally the only way I knew how to get any attention growing up.

✦✴✦

2013 OCT 19 8:02AM

Sometimes I jump the gun and say people are “stupid” or “annoying” but really I’m just upset with my incompatibility with like, ninety percent of the people I’ve met, for whatever reason, and that I’m just so incredibly frustrated to the point where talking to people really does become an actual chore for me. I’m exhausted with my lack of social skills and inability to hold a conversation. It isn’t others people’s fault, but I guess it’s take some of the pressure and guilt off me for being so socially inept if I can blame it on others’ perceived short-comings.

I’m hoping now that I’ve come to realize this, I’ll be able to give the world another chance and not be so quick to judge, or as harsh to people (even if it’s not to their face) about us not clicking a hundred percent. I need to remember that it’s mostly my demons, and that yes, some people are assholes, but not everyone is just because we don’t hit it off, or like, if we come from two different worlds, it isn’t all downhill from there.

✦✴✦

2013 OCT 05 8:42PM

Maybe the reason I generally keep to myself is because anytime I share an opinion about anything it’s immediately dismissed for being vacuous, ridiculous or unimportant so next time you ask yourself why I don’t talk to you beyond asking how the weather is or how your day went maybe it’s because you treat everything I say like a joke and I’m tired of trying to justify my feelings to you.

✦✴✦

2013 OCT 05 8:42PM

I hate when something is “out there” and people just assume that the creator/s were on drugs or something. Like no, actually that’s just creativity and imagination you’re witnessing. Like imagine working really hard and putting your heart and soul into creating something you love only to have it immediately dismissed as some kind of glorified acid trip. Oh my god, do I hate people.

✦✴✦

2013 OCT 03 12:01PM

Talk is cheap, especially when the story is good, but I’ll tell you this: in the words of Axl Rose, “watch out who you’re mouthing off to at the golf course”— word has its way of getting back around, and I assure you it’ll come back to haunt you one way or another— best be prepared for when it does.

✦✴✦

2013 OCT 03 11:38AM

I will probably never be happy. It’s grappling to come to terms with this fact that’s probably the hardest thing for me to do.

It matters not what school I go to, what job I will have, the house I live in or the car I’ll drive. None of it matters because deep down, for whatever reason, I will never be truly happy. It’s something you just instinctively know. You feel it in your gut. That no matter how great things are now or will be later, no matter who you surround yourself with or what objects you possess, you will never be capable of being happy.

I will never be happy. I will never be happy, and it’s this sentiment that I have to be okay with. I have to be satisfied with what I have as that’s the closest I’ll ever be to true happiness.

✦✴✦

2013 SEP 26 5:02AM

Every night I lay in bed and think about college and how much I hate it and about the crippling debt that’s already amounted from it and how it’s only going to get worse and worse and worse and how I probably won’t even be able to get a job once I graduate and wow, it’s a lot to take in but I do it every night and then I sob heavily until I’m tired enough to sleep (that has to be a healthy way to live) but then I wake up the next day and continue on with my “education” so I guess it can’t be that bad, I don’t know…

✦✴✦

2013 AUG 27 4:12AM

There was this one time where, for like six months, the only song I listened to was Welcome To My Life by Simple Plan because I was just super depressed about everything and I even made this giant Simple Plan sign with the lyrics on it and hung it in my room, and I just stared at it all day and night, so like I don’t even know, man…they got me through it all with that song and I don’t fucking care what you say about them.

✦✴✦

2013 AUG 23 1:58AM

I don’t share things with my mom because she makes me feel stupid over everything, like if I like something she’ll make me feel stupid for liking that thing, or if I’m upset about something, she’ll make me feel stupid about being upset. And the rare times that she tries to comfort me or to actually be nice about anything, it’s usually in a really condescending way and will be held over my head and used to guilt trip me later on so yeah, it’s best if I share nothing with her at all.

✦✴✦

2013 AUG 23 1:39AM

A Surefire Way To Kill A Friendship Pt. IV

This “friend” of mine decided that they didn’t like being put on the back burner of my life and thus decided to reach out to my family and friends in hopes that they could get information about me, presumedly to fill in his timeline of exactly what I did from the moment I woke up to the time I went to bed and not a minute lacking, and also he talked to my mother about asking me out and I really don’t know the sordid conversation that panned out around that but I’m guessing it was more of the same. It’s really odd to me that you didn’t think I would find out about this, as if you somehow mistook my fucking loud-mouthed mother to be a good secret keeper, or if you thought that I’m just so dumb I wouldn’t catch on. Truth being, I’ve been weary of your shit for quite some time and finding out this extra fucked up, depraved detail of your “master plot” was the final nail in the coffin.

That’s why we’re no longer friends, just in case you’ve been wondering…though I’m sure the grapevine, as always, has been good to you. Fuck you.

✦✴✦

2013 AUG 23 1:39AM

A Surefire Way To Kill A Friendship Pt. III

In my opinion, you don’t “get to know somebody” by overstepping major boundaries and attempting to squeeze details from people they already have a rocky relationship with. You don’t “get to know somebody” through other people telling you personal shit about them that they themselves don’t want to share with you. And you don’t then take all the information you learn about a person in the fucked up manner that you did and attempt to spin it in such a way that it looks like you have similar interests or things in common. What the fuck is that about? Oh, yeah, I really want to date a person who has no qualms about lying or manipulating people, or who has no concept of personal boundaries or privacy. What a catch!

✦✴✦

2013 AUG 23 1:39AM

A Surefire Way To Kill A Friendship Pt. II

I don’t know why, but for some reason my friends seem to think I “disappear” a lot, presumedly because I’m not at their beck and call 24/7 and don’t answer every single phone call or text message they send me in what they consider a “timely fashion”. First of all, I say to this, I have a life. I work full time, I just finished my first semester of college and will be starting my next full time adventure next week, I take care of both of my brothers, I have bills to pay and mouths to feed, etc. I got a lot going on, and it’s not always easy to make a social life out of the few measly hours I get to myself each day. I’m pretty fucking exhausted to say the least. That isn’t to say that I don’t want to see my friends or that I don’t feel bad about not being able to hang-out all the time. Sometimes I want to throw my calendar in the trash and say “fuck school! Let’s party!” but then I remember that I’m not fifteen and this isn’t fucking high school, and unless I want my life to continue looking like the goddamn car crash it’s been for the last five years, I have to work to make it better and to get myself and my family out of this rut. Constant communication is a right I would reserve for, AT MOST, my mother. Not that she even cares to talk to me that much as it is, but at least I could see where she’s coming from. With other people, and perhaps it’s just me because I have issues regarding personal space, but I don’t like or feel that it’s necessary or even appropriate that you ask to know the going-on’s pertaining to every second of my life. That freaks me the fuck out.

✦✴✦

2013 AUG 23 1:39AM

A Surefire Way To Kill A Friendship Pt. I

I don’t even know why I talk to anyone anymore. The very few people I still allow in my life seem almost bound and determined to ruin it, almost as if the universe is telling me— practically screaming it in my ear— that I should have no friends at all and just be alone forever because it’s the only way to avoid the assholes anymore.

I’m not going to mention names, but I will say that if you want an assured way of fucking up a friendship, going behind said “friend’s” back and asking their family shit about them that’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, well, that’s certainly a way to go about it.

Just because I’m not at your beck and call 24/7 does not give you the right to go behind my back and reach out to people I have an already rocky relationship with and attempt to lie and manipulate details about my life out of them. Nothing I do, have done, or am going to do is of any of your concern. My life is none of your business, and I’m not obligated to share anything with you that I don’t want to, and furthermore, it’s no one’s fucking place to tell you anything about me other than myself.

I’m appalled at the lack of respect and privacy I was given, from you going so far as to ask my closest friends and family about me, to them actually answering you and spewing whatever bullshit they for some reason felt obligated to share. I don’t know all the details of every twisted conversation or how much misconstrued to flat-out false information was spread about me, and that almost makes it worse.

✦✴✦

2013 JUL 15 10:12PM

I hate when people say that I “don’t try” or that I “don’t care”. You don’t UNDERSTAND; it physically pains me to get out of bed in the morning, and it physically pains me to go out and to deal with people. I don’t mean it “annoys me” or that I “don’t want to do it”, I mean it makes me physically UNCOMFORTABLE to do those things. In all actuality, I’m trying REALLY REALLY hard, and it upsets me when people think I’m being lazy or expect me to be at a different place than where I’m at— in the words of the Crüe, “hey man, get out of my face, deal with my problems at my own pace”…

✦✴✦

2013 JUL 06 12:16AM

I hate talking to people. Everything I say comes out jumbled and messed up, and no matter how much thought I put into my words or how much time I take to plan each sentence, everything I say sounds completely stupid and ridiculous. I could write for days and days like an open book but ask me to talk and I shut down entirely. I stammer out the wrong words in the wrong order and then feel embarrassed for even opening my mouth. And then I feel even more flustered because I start turning thirty shades of pink just trying to carry on a two second conversation. Someone could ask me what my favorite color is and I’d probably tell them “taco”. Then we would sit in silence for a while until they decided to leave because fuck hanging out with this girl. That’s what seventeen years of life and billions of years of human evolution have gotten me; fucking taco. Someone should really just put me in a box. I shouldn’t be allowed to associate with other humans.

✦✴✦

2013 JUL 06 12:16AM

I was watching a live performance of a song today, and as it got to the slow part where there’s supposed to be a quiet gap, it was instead filled with audience members yelling the lead singer’s name amongst other stupid crap like “play [insert some song] next!” and “I love you ____!” I thought about continuing on and ignoring it, but then I just slowly closed the tab and instead wept for humanity for a good ten minutes. Why would those people ruin what is the most profound and powerful part of the song by actually screaming and just generally making a fuckton of unnecessary noise during a part that’s supposed to be silent? I hope that the people in the audience realize what an absolute travesty they’ve bestowed upon the human race, and that when their family and friends bow their heads in silence at what I hope is an imminent funeral, their met with the funeral director yelling expletives and telling all the females in the room to take off their tops. Congratulations on ruining what was supposed to be one of the better parts of my life.

✦✴✦

2013 JUN 15 1:55AM

The first day I haven’t had to walk on eggshells in fear of messing up or offending someone and starting another string of pointless and unnecessary arguments. The sun is shining in my house again as a two-ton weight has finally fallen off my shoulders. I’m so happy I’m practically in tears…

✦✴✦

2013 JUN 12 12:37AM

I can’t stand you. God, I can’t fucking stand you! Everything you do, every word you speak. Jesus Christ, I’m punching holes in the wall just thinking of you and everything you’ve done to myself and to this family. Fucking leave. Just leave and stop with these hollow threats and this passive aggressive bullshit. Nothing compares to amount of mental anguish and agony you’ve put me through. No financial hardship, college class, stupid legal bullshit, NOTHING can compare to how much you have and still continue to hurt me. I have nothing good to say to you or about you. You have ruined my life more than words could ever describe. Is this what happens when a tornado meets a volcano, or is it when one person is so hell bent on destroying another that they actually succeed? You’ve succeeded. You’ve succeeded, you win. So what’s left here? What else is there for you to possibly break and destroy??

You want to leave? Fine, walk out the fucking door and don’t ever come back. Nobody here needs you, least of all me. Everyone is so sick to death of fighting to include you in our lives when you’ve made it more than painfully obvious you have no desire to be here. So go. Just fucking go, and don’t you think for two minutes that we’ll have any reservations about slamming the door on your way out. You couldn’t have even treat the situation with a little more tact or grace, could you? But what do you care, the airport bar is fully stocked and you’re over a thousand miles from us or anyone else who stands in the way of your pathetic life. Have fun with yourself— because you’re the only one that could possibly care anymore.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 30 4:23AM

You have no idea the turmoil I go through to get things done in my life, what with no help or support from my family on top of the incredible amount of guilt I feel when having to make any kind of decision regarding my own life.

It’s not my job to hold your hand for the rest of time, and how selfish of you to assume that it’s just going to be that way or that I want nothing more in my own life than to be attached to you for the rest of yours. How dare you even ask that of me.
Do you know the insane amount of pressure that puts on me or the agonizing guilt I feel knowing that the only way to make you happy is to essentially be miserable myself?
Do you know that now I’m horrendously afraid to make any kind of decision for myself in fear that I’m going to let you down or hurt you in some way? Do you know how much pain I’m in trying to make and keep everybody happy in a situation that’s far too great for me to handle on my own? That I walk on eggshells 24/7 pretending to be someone I’m not, constantly trying to “feel out the mood” so I won’t upset you or anyone else? That these are problems that I’m now bringing into my adult life and now have to deal with for probably the rest of my life? And most importantly, if you knew all these things, would you even care? Do you care that I’m losing my mind and am constantly depressed because of your inability to let me go or to even love me in the way that was healthy and not detrimental to my well-being? Do you understand, acknowledge or even care that your attachment is literally killing me?

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 30 4:23AM

I love how my parents are literally the worst role models in the world and instead of anybody doing anything or even questioning their actions, they (my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) actually enable them and almost encourage their lifestyle, all the while wondering why their grandkids/niece/nephews/etc are so fucked up and dysfunctional, and on top of that, have the nerve to blame us when we do something that we literally watched our parents do right in front of us and have no idea is even wrong, much less why it is wrong.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 27 4:00AM

I hate working. I hate going to school. I hate it all. Is this life? Is this what we’re supposed to look forward to? Going to school, getting some crappy job and then eventually dying if we’re lucky enough? Why don’t I just skip all the shit in-between and just kill myself now? That sounds a lot more pleasant than another 50 or so years of this bullshit.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 27 3:42AM

Why is life so fucking boring and miserable? What is the purpose to all of this? I just want to die already. Nothing is fun or enjoyable, and it hasn’t been since I was a kid. Nothing makes me happy for more than a few minutes. I fucking hate being around anyone. I’m just miserable and have no idea why I’m even going on anymore because it just seems so pointless and like it’s just senseless agonizing day after senseless agonizing day.

I don’t want to go college, I don’t want to work, I don’t want to stay home and do nothing, I don’t want to go out or “hang out”, I just want everything to stop and for the world to just end. I just want life to be over.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 27 3:42AM

The summer semester starts tomorrow and I still haven’t made up my mind on whether I’m going or not. I know that sounds crazy after I’ve ranted and raved about getting in so much but I had an epiphany after I had to wash my hair last night and it dawned on me that I totally don’t want to go to college anymore. I’m sick of having to do stuff, and more sick that it’s always stuff I don’t want to do. I’m tired of being forced into crap under the guise that’s there’s no other way to do things and that this is the only option I have to take. Fuck that shit. If I want to nap for 17 hours everyday and eat nothing but brownies, chips and Taco Bell, I should have every right to do that and to live my life the way I please. I don’t want to write essays and go to math class, I want to write blogs and go to concerts.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 23 2:53AM

Anytime someone can give me life advice that isn’t “take a Prozac and call your therapist”, I’m real interested in hearing it…then again what are the odds of me listening anyway because I LIKE TO MAKE MY LIFE AS DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE…or at the very least, I certainly don’t do myself any favors.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 22 4:00AM

I’m like the little engine that can but doesn’t fucking feel like it anymore. The little engine that’s being held together by duct tape and Elmer’s glue that keeps getting in her own goddamn way all the while trying to maneuver down the track of life with that stupid bitch of a red train that’s always trying to fuck up my shit.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 22 3:55AM

I cry to a lot of people about my problems on a daily basis (which I consider myself fortunate to even have these people to complain to) and the general consensus is that I’m doing everything right and then some, and am right where I should be. I don’t necessarily feel that way, but most people also think I’m entirely too hard on myself, so there’s that. Hey man, these panic attacks aren’t going to have themselves!

I equate people trying to give me advice to like, when you’re playing a game of Solitaire and you hit the “help” button and it says something like “no useful moves detected”. That’s the advice that people give me— just keep trucking, man! Yeah, whatever dude…

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 22 3:55AM

Having constant anxiety makes you see the world in a really different light sometimes. For example, I’m still impressed with how roads work, and how I can drift down the street in my car with all these other cars and somehow not die a fiery vehicular death. No, but really, look at the roads. Drive down the interstate and look at the craziness, how chaotic driving really is, and then tell me you don’t feel fortunate when your large piece of machinery doesn’t go slamming into another, or several other, large pieces of machinery. It’s crazy to me the amount of stupid people that are grasping the concept of something I find rather complex. Not that driving is difficult, just that it really seems like putting that many cars going that fast on roads so small seems like it should almost be impossible, yet it somehow works rather seamlessly.

Simple things like that impress me, but then again so does the fact that we all haven’t been annihilated by a gamma ray burst because, yes, I actually do spend a good portion of my day worrying about the sun exploding.

Anxiety points out everything that has the potential to go wrong.

✦✴✦

2013 MAY 05 7:59PM

You’d think that I would want to discover the causes behind my problems but I really don’t care to. I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of fighting everyday and dealing with things I don’t want to. I want comfort, and for once in my life, peace.

I’m not asking for a lot.

✦✴✦

2013 APR 26 6:51AM

I’ve lived for almost eighteen years and I have nothing to show for it. My life is as boring as it’s ever been, still ruled and controlled by people and circumstances that I can’t change. I have no say in anything, the only things I do are work and go to school, come home and take care of the family. I don’t have any social life, I barely even have friends. I’m miserable all the time, and I’m so scared it’s going to be this way for the rest of my life. I’m going to be sitting here right before my 21st birthday, then my 30th and so on, and my life will be the exact same. Boring, filled with doing things I hate for people I hate and just being miserable in general.

✦✴✦

2013 APR 26 6:51AM

The only difference between this year and the last is maybe some personal growth that only happened because it was necessary. I had to evolve as a human being for whatever reason, be it to cope with my family life or for my job or whatever. It was demanded of me. And that’s how everything has been my entire life. I don’t get to live for me, I’m living for everyone else, to keep them happy and to give them what they want or what they need. I don’t have any say in anything, it’s just “do this, do that, be this way, act like that”.

✦✴✦

2013 MAR 30 6:54AM

Have you ever remembered a show or a movie or even a song from your childhood but you could never quite find it again? Even with the Internet at your disposal? Well, I most certainly have…but no more! I have finally found the show I’ve been looking for for the past couple of years: Wee Sing Together!

A lot creepier and way more annoying in my adult life than I remember it being when I was younger, it still makes me happy that I’ve found it after so long. I used to own a copy on VHS and I watched it all the time; I loved all the singing and oh, how I wished my stuffed animals would have come to life to throw me such a great party! I also loved how the presents were wrapped and how nice everyone was dressed. It truly made me envious of that Sally girl, that’s for sure.

The whole series is on YouTube and I must say part 2 is a true gem. Rebel Rabbit in the houzzzzeeee.

✦✴✦

2013 MAR 24 1:37AM

Something a lot more people could stand to grasp: bad-mouthing one parent doesn’t make you a better parent! It actually makes you worse!

✦✴✦

2013 MAR 23 5:15AM

I know what’s it’s like to be tremendously unhappy, to the point where it’s severely uncomfortable and almost literally unbearable to even be in your own skin. It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

✦✴✦

2013 FEB 25 1:50AM

Friendship contracts— you can’t learn how to be social which is why contracts should be used.

I don’t understand how to socialize or what that all entails, and that terrifies me. But if you contractualize your friendships you know what to expect. “So-and-so and I agree that we will spend no less than 20 hours of time together per month; however never consecutively, and will not exceed more than three hours a day. No more than 48 hours of time will be allotted for interaction per 30 days” Now that’s a friendship!

✦✴✦

2013 FEB 22 3:40AM

Can’t decide if I’m for or against eating horse meat. On one hand I absolutely despise horses and eating them would greatly decrease their population, but on the other hand, I hate horses and the thought of one being inside makes me want to vomit. God, I hate horses.

✦✴✦

2013 FEB 14 3:56AM

One day a gamma ray burst will destroy the earth, and anything and everything man has ever created or strived for will be gone. Our people, our art, our ideals will cease to exist and it will be as if it and we never even existed. Earth will be reduced to nothing more than what it once was: dust in space. It could happen at any time. So remember that if you’re having a bad day. Nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things.

And if you are having a bad day, keep in mind that, being that we’re one GRB away from being absolutely nothing, the fact that the inevitable hasn’t happened yet is a miracle in and of itself. We started out as dust in space and now look where we are. You are the result of billions of years of evolutionary success.

✦✴✦

2012 DEC 17 9:04AM

*5/30/14: This was written a few days after the Sandy Hook shooting; my thoughts and feelings on sending a then six-year-old Jake to his school after something so horrible and utterly unimaginable had happened just days prior at another elementary school, the victims of course mainly being children his age.

Letting Jake go to school today was one of the hardest things I’ve done in quite a while. Last night I cried over him and over his safety, over his life and everything in between. I cried because this person means more to me than any person, any object ever could. I love this baby to the moon and back, to the end of the earth going to the moon and back. And I can’t FATHOM anything ever happening to him. I sit here and think about how the world is going down the drain. How we’re sitting in hell or limbo or whatever you want to call it, and I think how hard it is for me and that’s upsetting enough. But then I think about him and how I don’t WANT him to go through this hell. He doesn’t DESERVE this. He deserves happiness and healthiness and a life where he can go to school and not have to worry about something bad happening.

Today was a big step for me, I’m sure I’m not the only one. Watching the school bus drive away seems to get harder and harder every week…

✦✴✦

2 thoughts on “Night Songs

  1. Pingback: Introducing: Night Songs | rainbowsandskeletons

  2. Pingback: I’m Dropping Out of College | rainbowsandskeletons

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s