Bleed Out

“You don’t get the point, and you don’t get control, and we both have a chance if you just let go”

 
How is it fair that I’ve payed literally $6,600 to a lawyer and still owe another $500 to them by the end of the month, to do nothing other than give me a chance to see a child that I have all but raised and have been and still continue to be the sole provider for?! How is it fair that since January of last year I have seen said child for 34 days?! 34 out of 485 days I have gotten to see him!!! How is it that an abusive alcoholic who has a different address every three goddamn months, who hasn’t worked a day in their lives, who keeps trying to force myself and the rest of his family out of his life, is allowed to have him?!! Tell me how this is justice!! Tell me why the courts have and are still allowing this to continue! Tell me why I am not allowed to be a part of my brother’s life when I was a better parent to him that his real mother ever could be!! And tell me why the person who has the ability to make this all stop refuses to let go and give anyone else a chance until there is a court order to do so?! Please tell me because I am all out of answers! And money and patience and self-control and sanity…

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

What I’ve Learned From Court Is…

After fighting a bitter custody battle for my younger brother for a little over year now, these are the things I know to hold true about what it takes to bring a case to court…

  • Buy plenty of lube. No matter what happens, nothing good will ever come out of going to court. Even if it’s good news, it’s still bad and even if it’s the right ruling, it still really doesn’t fix much. Always have your anal cavity open and ready to be thrashed for hours on end repeatedly by both lawyer and judge. 
  • Lying is just a thing people do. My mother lied so much in court, I was fully prepared for the day she’d get on the stand and tell everyone myself and my family were full blown ISIS members and that my brother was secretly Jihadi Jon or some other inane bullshit like that. There is no logic or reasoning with these types of people; simply throwing whatever the fuck they want out into the open air and seeing what sticks is apparently much more effective than telling the truth will ever be. It also saves them time and money because then they don’t have to worry about silly things like “evidence” and “coming up with a reasonable argument.”
  • Everything is time consuming. Nothing will ever be done in a timely manner, and you will be paying for every single second you’re fighting the case, in court or out. Both your prison wallet and your actual wallet will be in pain for a long while before, during and even after your court date, so prepare your legs because sitting’s going to be out of the question for a while. 
  • Lawyers are useless. You will end up doing 98% of the work yourself, while paying someone else to be the face of said work and to take all the credit (as well as your money and any happiness you might have had left). You shouldn’t expect that things will get done in a timely manner because you shouldn’t expect that anything will get done at all, unless you’re the one doing it.
  • If you’re sleeping at night and not vomiting at least twice a day from stress, you’re clearly not invested enough in your case. There will not be a day of work that you won’t want to peel your face off because you’re exhausted from all the weight you’re carrying, not a drive home that you won’t want to or aren’t already crying on, not an evening of rest or relaxation, and certainly not a wink of sleep that doesn’t culminate in waking up at four in the morning in a rage with cold sweat dripping down your face. Only when you start having severe panic attacks will you know you’ve devoted enough time, money and energy to the proceedings. 
  • No one actually likes you. Never have I seen people flock so fast to a side that wasn’t mine then when I decided to start a court case against my mother, even if I was in the right. Almost my entire family disowned me and then stabbed me in the back to boot, friends who “had my back” suddenly disappeared when it came time to testify on my behalf, and even random strangers came out of the woodwork just to tell me how evil I was, despite knowing nothing of the case aside from from secondhand information they’d gotten through the grapevine, that were of course all lies anyway. It doesn’t matter if you’re suing the offspring of Hitler and Satan or the entire Legion of Doom, if you think you have friends or family members that love you unconditionally, start up a year-long court battle and see how long everyone sticks around. 
  • You will probably combust. You have to be optimistic about the end result because otherwise you will not make it to that point (also not valuing yourself at all and enjoying some level of self-harm helps, too) but the road to that end is a very painful, lonely journey, and after a quagmire of lawsuits, betrayal and finger-pointing, it is not possible to walk away without some amount of acrimony following you around. If you are as positive as you are bitter, you will break. 

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Letters to Myself II…

You can’t always afford to do things with grace and dignity. Sometimes you just have to stop whining, scrape yourself off the bathroom floor you collapsed onto the night before, and keep living life no matter how fucking painful it is. Slam down a cup of coffee, go to work, keep breathing. It doesn’t have to be beautiful or romantic. Just keep going. 

And to all of you too. It’s never too late to start over…

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

New Year’s Thoughts…

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I tried to kill myself when I was 16 but for some reason I lived and now it’s going to be 2015 and I’ll be 20 this year and I just?? don’t know how to feel about it? Like, I’m not happy at all about the entire situation and I feel like this should be inspirational like ‘oh, I lived and I’m so happy with where I’m at now, good for me’ but really I still want to die and have for the last six or seven years??? but that isn’t what anyone wants to hear so I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut? I don’t know.

Sorry this has to be the first post of 2015 for you guys…

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Update:
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I had a good New Years Eve. Both of my brothers and The Fab One were with me, we shot off fireworks and drank rootbeer galore. Made me feel less shitty and definitely more optimistic about 2015.

You’re Not Helping

Why does the only life advice people seem to give anymore involve quitting your day job to ‘just live, man’ (I still don’t know what that even means) and saying ‘to hell with the bills, forget about money, just go travel the world!!’ like that’s actually a feasible thing for 95% of the population to do??
Is gas free now? Are airlines suddenly not charging to fly? Can I finally get a hotel room with nothing but my good looks and charm? And beyond that, will my landlord be content with me just not paying my rent? Will grocery stores start to offer me free food? Until the answer to all of these questions isn’t a resounding NO, I can assure you your “advice” ain’t worth shit.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Letters to Myself…

Keep working. Work, work, work and don’t ever stop. If you’re not absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, then work some more. Then sleep. Get up early the next day and start again. Keep working. Keep working until you run the whole damn world…because you are absolutely capable of and more than worth it. You’re worth time and effort. You’re worth the world. Keep going. 

And you’re all worth it too. Just keep on keeping up. Don’t let them take you alive and refuse to die. You got this. 

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Holiday Blues

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As the holidays approach, I am trying my hardest to be thankful and appreciative of all that I have instead of being overwhelmingly resentful like it would be so easy to be in the face of everything I don’t. I really don’t enjoy the holidays or the bizarre and exhausting circus that seems to precede them and am definitely looking forward to January; in the meantime, however, I will try to be as grateful as I can be— for family, friends, for a roof over my head, food on my plate, for a job that I don’t completely dislike just yet, for life and love and ponies and stickers and Myspace dot com. Now bring in the dancing lobsters, I have a flight in ten hours and I need sleep…

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Chivalry Isn’t Dead, But I Wish It Was

The thing I don’t get about people opening doors for me is like, I can physically open my own doors, like it’s nice if you’re there and it’s convenient but I’ve had people actually like push the door that I was opening closed again and literally move me out of the way just to open it again for me?? I mean, I get that you’re trying to be nice and I appreciate the sentiment but I promise I won’t die if I open the door this time, like do not fret my friend, I will be alright. Thank you for caring though?? People are weird to me. Maybe I’m wrong.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Working For The Weekend

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The day that I can afford to own a house that isn’t directly across the street from a gas station, maybe getting up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work might seem worth it. Until that point though, I’m just going to continue to cry by myself at stop lights whilst trying to find any reason I can not to drive my car off an overpass.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

…Also, just kidding about that owning a house thing. I’m a millennial, I’ll never own a house.