Looking for another reason to kill myself a job, I’ve had to fill out several applications this week and I’m about sick of all these stupid, inane questions that no one is going to answer truthfully anyhow. This is the way my applications would read if I was even remotely honest…also, I’d never work again.
How often are you late? Always. I mean, you’re lucky if I even show up at all, much less on time and prepared to work. There is like, a zero percent chance of me ever being on time, and you can forget about me ever showing up early ‘cause that shit’s a waste of my time.
How outgoing are you? Not at all. I’d actually rather have somebody jam a hot, metal stick right through my eye than listen to them talk, especially if it pertains to work-related bullshit. I would never and will never strike up a conversation on my own volition; not with a customer, not with a coworker, and most definitely not with my boss.
How interested are you in growing your career with this company? I’m applying to be a “sales associate” at fucking Target, not work on Wall Street. This isn’t a “career”, this is part-time, minimum wage-paying time-suck that I have the unfortunate displeasure of showing up to for the next four years while I put myself through school. Shut the fuck up.
What is your background in administrative work? You mean “how good am I at answering the phone”? Gee, I don’t know. I think I’m pretty great at it but you can never know for sure. That’s like asking me how well I can put papers in a specific order in a box, or as you elite like to call it, “filing”. I might do a pretty spiffy job at it but I know only the best of the best can work the front desk at your one-star Yelp reviewed gym! Who am I to question the system?
Would co-workers describe you as “friendly”? The fucking friendliest, ‘cause if they say anything else I’m gonna shank ‘em in the fucking heart.
What are some of the skills you possess specifically regarding this position? Well, gee, it’s fucking Macy’s so who the hell knows? I’m pretty great at standing around with my thumb up my ass, and I think if I tried hard enough, I could even manage a half-assed look like I don’t want to die the whole time when a customer comes up and inevitably starts spewing fuck about shit. Maybe with the proper training I could learn how to hit some buttons on a cash register and do some basic math, too, but I don’t want to get too ahead of myself here!
Why are you interested in working for our company? I don’t know, Taco Bell, I guess I’m just really into assembling assorted Mexican dishes for stupid assholes, why do you think I’m interested? The paycheck? Man, you couldn’t be more wrong…
Where do you see yourself in ten years? Obviously still working this mediocre sales position in the shitty mall store across the way from the Fried Snickers On A Stick cart. I can’t think of anything that sounds more promising because what the fuck is college, right? This job is my life.
What is your greatest accomplishment? I haven’t offed myself yet, and I even got out of bed and put on clothes that weren’t pajamas so I’m going to say that today was a pretty big accomplishment. Also, I run a blog.
How did you hear about this position? I don’t know, Wal-Mart, it’s like you didn’t even exist until CareerBuilder suggested that I should work for you the other day.
How would you handle a difficult customer? I’d punch them in the face and go home, is there any other way to handle them? Anger management is for suckers, and frankly I want to listen to someone bitch about picture frames and sweaters as much as I want to have the end of my intestines tied to the back of truck before sending it speeding down the highway. Why is the person getting mad at me anyway? I have no input in how the store is run or what items they do or do not carry, and for $8.00 an hour they can go fuck themselves.
What was your biggest failure? Well, I’m applying for a job at Forever 21 so that probably ranks up there pretty high.
If you saw a customer whom you thought was shoplifting, what would you do? Nothing? Why should I care, it’s not my store and I’m not paying one red cent for things that happen to go missing during my shift. Not even if I stole it, because that would probably defeat the purpose. And who knows what they would do in the event that someone confronted them; they obviously believe they’re above following the law, so I wouldn’t put it past them to blow my brains out if I attempted to stop them.
If your co-worker was having a hard time completing the tasks they were assigned, would you help them? First of all, it’s a fucking grocery store so if they’re having hard time here, then the only assistance I would offer would involve their suicide. It ain’t rocket science and I’m not your mom, and unless you’re willing to fork over your paycheck in exchange for my help, sit and spin.
A co-worker calls in sick…okay, hold the phone right there, they called in sick?? Unless you have flesh-eating genital warts, I don’t want to hear it. You’re not sick, you’re lazy and taking a day off at my expense. The store might be short-staffed, but I won’t be because I’m going home.
What are some of your biggest pet peeves? Being alive, dealing with people, etc.
What do you like most about working in this industry? Is there anything better than flipping burgers and asking people what size soda they want? I can’t think of anything.
What would be an ideal starting salary? You’re going to give me the minimum amount of money required by law regardless of what I say so what the fuck does it matter? I’d like $37577825996 an hour, please.
§Rainbows & Skeletons§
*I’ll probably get sued for using the names of these companies so as a disclaimer I’d like to say that these questions may be incomplete, inaccurate, distorted, fabricated for my own amusement, etc. This is my opinion alone and does not necessarily reflect nor attempt to accurately portray the company or their values in any way, shape or form. I plead the fifth, ask the court for leniency, etc.