So long story short, my family and I all had this huge fight today and now none of us are on speaking terms yet again.
Honestly, I wish my mother could just utter the words “I don’t love you” and get this whole charade over with. I know she’s resented me since I was 11 years old, and this whole routine of pretending she cares is so fucking overrated already. The only reason I even live here anymore is because she has nowhere else to send me. She wants to look like some type of “heroine” all the time, when really everyone can see behind the stagnant act: You don’t like me, you don’t want me here, you’re done being a mother.
I would be fine if she came out right now and said, “Here’s the deal: you’re moving out because I can’t stand you anymore; pack your shit and get the fuck out”. But will she? Of course not. Nope, she has to keep up the gimmick that she’s such a terrific parent and that all our lives would just be doomed without her.
She’s just such a fucking hypocrite. She blatantly tells me that I’m the cause of all her problems and that the family would be better off without me here, then has the audacity to say that she wants our “relationship” to “improve”. What the hell?!
You don’t want a relationship. You want me to clean your house, watch your kid, then go shut myself up in a box until you need me again. In your eyes, I’m not a person. You can’t have a relationship with me because you can’t acknowledge the fact that I’m a human being. You say you want things to change, but how are they supposed to if you just stay the same?
Why do you keep me in your life if I’m the cause of so much pain? Why do you want me here? And furthermore, why I do want myself to be here? Let’s not pretend that somebody would miss me if I was gone…
I feel dead to the world. I have nothing to show for the 16 years I’ve walked this planet; I honestly have no future expectations that seem reasonable; I have nothing. Why the hell do I do this to myself? Why am I waking up every day just to deal with all this shit?
It’s not fair. I grew up too fast and no one gives a shit. Why the fuck do I even try anymore?
Rainbows & Skeletons
rainbowsandskeletons 