Worrying

Before I rant: Winners should have received emails yesterday! Sent them all out and now I need you wonderful people to please send me your addresses (via email, don’t post in comments) so I can get all your prizes to you! Again thank you to everyone who participated, it means the world to me to see so many entries sent in! I’m sorry we couldn’t put them up (stupid laptop troubles!) but I promise I have them all saved and will post them next year, haha!

Speaking of Halloween, how was everyone’s night?! I went to party and got to go trick-or-treating with some rad people and even hang out with Nick for a bit! Jake was gnome, and an adorable one at that:

In other news, I added a hit counter to the site this evening, not because I’m totally monitoring you guys , but just because I’m curious as to how many people are actually visiting per day. It only counts unique visitors so it won’t be able to tell if you sit here all day and refresh every blog waiting for me to say more (as I know so many of you do!), and it also won’t count me a million times so I’ll know the hits aren’t all just me.

So with that all said and done, let us rant!

I’ve been talking to a lot of people lately, just friends and family, and I’ve realized how much everyone truly cares about me. It’s been eye-opening to know this, because (if you look at the past four year of archives) I have never felt like anyone has ever really loved me. All my friends have been fair-weather, I’ve never seen eye to eye with my family, and forget about the general public who refuse to even learn my name before they scoff at me. It’s always just been me against the world, and for the most part I’ve accepted this fact. I’m okay with being alone…but what if I didn’t have to be?

What if it wasn’t just me by myself taking on the world all the time? Talking to these people makes me feel like I finally have some kind of support system. I have pushed so many people away over the years, thinking I know what’s best for me, and it seems like once I shove them out of the picture, they’re done with me. And honestly, who could blame them? No one wants to attempt to be friends with someone who just shuts you out all the time. And in regards to myself, I really don’t want friends who leave me after one mistake. I’m human, things happen that are out of my control, and my first instinct upon getting hurt is to just crawl back into my shell and make everyone else go away.
I need people in my life who are willing to push back and accept that I need to be alone sometimes, but also that I can’t just close myself off and expect to be happy. I need people who are patient and who are willing to pull me out of my hole when I fall back in. I need to surround myself with people who are kind and supportive, who understand that I’m not crazy I’m just a little screwed up in the head from time to time.

I’m not an easy person to deal with in the least. I get frustrated over stupid things, I get emotional over tiny things. That’s just me, it’s who I am. And I realize that I can be, to put it bluntly, a shitty person. I can be a terrible friend and someone whom my family curses being related to, but at the end of it all, if you just give me a chance (and by chance, I mean multiple chances because I fuck a lot of stuff up), I promise I will do my best to return your phone calls, to say hello just because I can, and goddamnit, to stop pushing you away because I love you. I love my family and I love my friends. I don’t mean to be so negative and hateful all the time, and often the things I say and do aren’t out of anger or hatred, they’re just done because I don’t know how to convey the fact that I desperately need help in a way that would make it understandable.

I also don’t mean to make so many of you worry all time time, but I now that I know you do, I apologize. There’s no need to worry. Yes, I need help with certain things and yes, my head is still quite a fucked up place to be, but I know that at the end of the day, the only person I have in my life one hundred percent of the time is myself, i.e. I promise not to slit my wrists and hang myself anytime soon. I’ll be okay. I’ll get through everything whether it be alone or with help. You don’t have to worry about me…but maybe it’d be nice if someone did. Maybe it’d be nice if I didn’t have to be content with being alone.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

“I’m gonna feel a peace in me; I’m gonna feel at home
I’m gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone
I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor
I don’t wanna hurt no more” 

Socially Fucking Awkward

So I was talking to my friend on the phone who happens to be guy. Anyways, we were saying goodbye, and he usually says something along the lines of “love you” and then a string of goodnights and what have you. Well, usually I just ignore the “love” parts because I don’t want him to get the wrong idea and assume we’re anything more than friends.

But for some reason tonight, it just slipped out and I accidentally said “love you too”, and he started freaking out. He was like, “what? What did you just say?”. And me being the socially fucked retard I am, I started saying “what?! I just said goodnight, what are you talking about?”

But he knew what I said. And I know what I said. And I mean, I do love him…as a friend. But I don’t think he quite understands that; I know he wants to be something more, but I don’t. And by returning the “love you’s” I think he might get the wrong idea and think I’m interested. I just don’t want to lead him on only to reject him down the line.

Can we rewind time yet..? I recant, I recant! Love just ruins everything. Society should be run like it was in that book The Giver. People matched at random, no one trying to date anyone or anything like that. No friends attempting to be potential mates.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Life Lately…

As I slowly start to close myself off from the world and every single human being out there, I’m starting to realize how much I just need someone…how much I need anyone.

Maybe it’s a freak-out and I’m just falling down again, but I’ve always been one to just kind of shut down, avoid people for a few weeks, and then things start looking up.

I’ve been alone for almost a month and I just desperately feel I need someone to be there for me. And I don’t want to go out or hang around, I want to bawl my fucking eyes out in the privacy of my home, while I tell you all my problems and you tell me yours, and at the end of the night, we end up solving some major dillemas and eventually learn to grow from one another.

I want a true friend. I’m tired of all the bullshit. I’m tired of pretending to care about your “problems”, when really, you wouldn’t know a day of discomfort if it bit you in the ass. I want someone with character; someone who isn’t a one-dimensional flake with the IQ of trail mix. I want a friend that I can call a friend.

Maybe I’ve been wrong this entire time. I don’t want to be alone, I want to be with someone who cares about me. Someone who actually gives a fuck for me and understands the meaning of giving a fuck for someone. I don’t want a one-sided relationship anymore.

Why can’t I find a friend who just genuinely gives a rat’s ass for me? Not because I’m some “hot piece of ass”, or because of what’s in my wallet, but because you actually love and care and respect me for me.

The world fucking sucks. Middle fingers up, children.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

Love, Loss, Lies, & Regret

It’s 5:13 on a Friday afternoon. I’m pretty sure I just survived the most painful, socially awkward week I’ve ever been through (and considering that a majority of my life consists of horrible awkwardness, that’s saying something).

First off, I’ve realized a great deal about some of my friends this week. Some are majorly awesome and I’ve been so incredibly blessed to have them in my life. Others not so much…

One thing I’m going to stress to everyone is this: if you don’t want me there (or simply want to be left alone), ask me to leave. I’m actually not that bitchy, and contrary to popular belief, I do have a soul and can usually understand and respect most of the reasons of why you don’t want me there. What I don’t understand is leading me on and pretending that you’re just fine and dandy with me hanging around when it’s painfully obvious that you’re not.

I don’t know if it’s just a respect thing or if I’m just such a badass that you don’t wanna mess with me, but please, I’d rather be with people who appreciate my presence than to sit in silence conversing about the weather every so often.

Another thing that ticks me off is ignoring me. Like I said before, all you have to say is “No, thanks” and I’ll be on my merry way, but instead you choose to say nothing, convincing me that I’m not even worth such a sliver of your time. I’m not asking that you go out of your way and put the answer in your own blood, just give me a damn response so I’m not sitting here like a fucking retard waiting for your oh-so-busy schedule to clear up to receive some sort of clarification.

I’m also not fond of being blown off. Trust me, the last thing I’m interested in is spending every waking moment with you, but if we make plans, the least you could do is attempt to follow through and not ditch me at the last second.

Basically I’m just tired of getting screwed over by people who I’m supposed to be “friends” with. The whole facade of you liking me is so transparent, it’s a wonder why we even talk anymore. It’s just really disheartening that I’ve supported you through some of your worst dilemmas, and you can’t even be here at all for me.

A part of me wonders what I’ve done wrong (because heaven forbid someone disclose any sort of disgrace I’ve done to them) while another part of me just says fuck them, they’re not worth my time. You know, it’s just whatever. What the hell do people want from me?!

And honestly, if you do decide to indulge me in how much of a deadweight I am to you, you could at least do the honor before completely using me. Go fuck yourself. As for “just being friends”, you have my personal gratitude to go shove a cactus up your ass. Thanks for nothing, asshole!

Rainbows & Skeletons

**The irony of this post is that almost every paragraph is directed at a different person. Yeah, I just did that~

PS.: I’d like to thank all the wonderful people in my life that aren’t stupid motherfuckers. You honestly keep my faith in humanity somewhat sincere. 🙂

My Fairweather Friend

Absent in the end
The one thing I can count on is nothing much at all
The one thing that I’m sure about is that you won’t be anywhere around me when I fall
I’d like to think I wouldn’t die for you, but you know I would
‘Cause that’s the fool I am, and that’s the rule you bend
Absent in the end
Love you only then
Wounds you’ll never mend
My fairweather friend

So as you all know, Warped was yesterday and it was awesome. Pictures are here. Tonight I’m supposed to be seeing Mary Magdalan, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to because my parents have just now started to care about my well-being. Go figure.

Anywho, I was listening to this kick-ass song today and it got me thinking about my friends and all of their horrible qualities. But mind you, it also made me face that I’m the exact same way. The only difference is that I choose to be this way and really don’t give a fuck.

You see, I think of you all as only people (we might even push it and say acquaintances) who are only here when everything is sunshine and butterflies, but more or less don’t stick around when harder times come about. Maybe I’m misinterpreting this, but it seems as if you don’t really even care. Not genuinely at least.

Alas, I do this to people as well. I don’t care to here anyone else’s bullshit and I would absolutely rather get hepatitis than to listen to someone complain about something I can’t relate to. But it’s all in empathy (or lack there of) because I really don’t care about anyone else but myself, so why would I care about someone else’s problems? It doesn’t make sense.

Perhaps I’ve been given all of these mutual acquaintances simply as karma for being a bitch, but goddamn, it sucks. I need someone who won’t come to me with their problems, but will be more than thrilled to help me with mine. This seems to be my dilema. No one wants a friend that doesn’t care, but I assure you I have much better qualities. Like my awesomeness. I am a VERY cool person. Seriously, I rock. I should be given an award just because I’m just so great. Not to mention my way with words. Look at this grammar! I’m amazing. And of course all the fun adventures you’d have by just sacrificing something so insignificant. I mean, I went to Warped Tour! Who needs sympathy when you’ve got Warped Tour?

Besides, repressing your feelings is the new black. Contrary to popular belief and common sense, bottling your emotions is actually healthy and a way more efficient way to solve your issues. Why wouldn’t you trust me, I’m a doctor*!

Gosh, I’m so amazing. If I wasn’t already in a committed relationship with my internet connection, I’d so do myself in a heartbeat (okay, even I’ll admit that’s a bit sick). I’m just so great. I can’t even believe just how absolutely wonderful I really am. God, it must suck not being me…

Well, I have to go beg and plead for the parentals to stop worrying about me getting shot in the face and to allow me to rock with Mary Magdalan. I got this, totally.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§

*Not really.

Best Safety Lies In Fear

Since so many people have befriended me over the last few weeks, I’ve decided to post my ultimate friendship requirements. They are as follows:

• You’re not allowed to be depressed around me, EVER.
• No whining or complaining about how “bad” your life is. I honestly don’t care.
• You MUST be awesome at all times. No exceptions.
• Don’t ignore me. You’re lucky I grace you with my presence; don’t tune me out.
• No reading when I’m around. I burn books.
• Don’t tell me that I’m stupid or that any of my thoughts are stupid. They don’t make sense in your head, I’ll grant you that. But somewhere in my mind they do.
• You must be able to handle my obsessiveness with the internet. Get over it.
• I’m lazy. Don’t expect me to help you with anything unless it’s of the up-most importance or concerns me.
• Every other word is either going to be “Yay”, “Awesome”, or “Die”. Except it.
• “xD” is the best smiley face in the universe.
• The suffix “ness” will be added to every word I deem suitable of attaching it to.
• I’m the most amazing person you know. Don’t deny.
• Policy 1: Lie and Die.
• All policies must rhyme under punishment of death.
• When I sleep, don’t wake me. Insomnia’s a bitch.
• Appreciate my happy-clap. It comes out often.
• Jazz hands and spirit fingers are epic.
• Policy 2: Hurt me and pain you’ll see.
• Morbidity is a virtue. Embrace it.
• Hugs are stupid. Cuddling the same.
• You must, at any given moment, be able to sing the entire theme songs of Pokemon, Wonder Pets, and Dora.
• I’m weird, you don’t have to tell me.
• I don’t need a therapist. Therapists need me.
• You eat at McDonald’s. No vegetarians.
• For every animal you don’t eat, I’m eating three.
• Kids suck, except Jake. He’s cool.
• Wal-Mart is the place to be at all times.
• Everything I do is awesome.
• The music I listen to is awesome.
• The shows I watch on TV are awesome.
• The food I eat is awesome.
• We need more cowbell.
• Don’t act like me or anyone else but you. Personality is fun to have. Get one and we’ll talk.
• I’m selfish. Rarely do I give, and often do I take.
• Don’t tell me I’m self-centered. Obviously I’m self-centered. Hence the shrine dedicated to myself in my room.
• Chuck Norris and Aunt Jamima should date. Don’t ask, I have my reasons.
• Don’t question my authority. This is how it is and that’s that.
• I’m never wrong.
• I’d be Godlike if I wasn’t such a pompous ass. Too bad.
• I hate everything and almost everyone. Be an exception if you dare.
• Don’t try to change me. I am who I am and that’s enough for the entire universe to love and bow down to.
• I have plans to take over the world. You’re all going down.
• Cats are now and have always been one of the best animals on the planet.
• Unicorns exist.
• Maddox is so manly, even his sentences don’t have periods
• I insult everything. Deal with it.
• “Get over it” is just one of many phrases used to get you to shut the hell up.
• Policy 3: Talk bad about me and I’ll make you bleed.
• I’m unorganized. Be prepared to lend me your shit.
• I forget a lot of things. All part of having Pine Cone Memory Syndrome.
• I lie. A lot. You don’t even know if this is a lie.
• I steal. Slowly, your soul becomes mine.
• Let’s do the time warp again! And again and again and again!
• If it’s not offensive, it’s not funny.
• I have no morals. Sucks for you.
• Empathy is gained. Many have died in the first week.
• IQ must be over 1oo.
• I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time…

K, so now you all know your civic duties payed solely to the fact that I am now your friend. Breaking these rules means breaking our friendship, which would indeed lead to the breaking of your face. Thanks again, your newest and most valuable acquaintance.

§Rainbows & Skeletons§