Today has been…a day. Before I get into that, though, let’s focus on our new header we got going on here. First of all, this is my absolute favorite header/layout I’ve had in my entire blogging career (it’s a career now, shut up). Not because the art is that great; I’m decent to mediocre when it comes to anything Photoshop. I love it because the message really seems to suit my life, and therefore this blog, perfectly. If you can’t read underneath the name, it says (lyrics from Mötley Crüe’s Primal Scream), “If you want to live life on your own terms, you gotta be willing to crash and burn”. I mean, how much of my life does that sum up? I do live life on my own terms; I moved out of my parents’ house right after I turned 16, I make my own rules, I have my own responsibilities, I live my own life. Hell, I’m moving to New York BY MYSELF in a couple of months! And due my…um…anarchy, and my inability to get along with anyone while being under the same roof, though it has allowed me to be free and live life on my own, it also in a lot of ways sucks total ass, thereby the crashing and burning. You make mistakes and the only person that you have to fall back on is yourself. Not that that’s anything new.
So this is my motto for now and I’m definitely sticking to it. I’m glad I’ve incorporated it into the bloggety-blog; it makes me feel like I’m one more step into being completely honest and sharing my full heart into this massive project. I’m so excited for the real 5th year anniversary of the day I first started posting (April 29!). Definitely some surprises coming your way 😉
Anyways! On with the ranting…
My parents were supposed to have Jake this weekend as his spring break is this week and I need all the time to charge my batteries as I can get. Well, for some reason, that fell through the cracks and I got him back this afternoon. On Friday, I literally slept for 13 hours and ended waking up at 7PM that night. I needed the sleep, and with Jacob not there I really took advantage. Today was supposed to be my errands day, but it was cold, wet and crappy out so I just went grocery shopping and returned home to find munckin and family waiting for my arrival. So much for a relaxing Saturday.
My ‘rents seemed to be mad at me, and I’ve literally no idea why. It’s not like I forced them to do anything, it’s two fucking days! I don’t know, I think people are just naturally angry at me for whatever reason. I’m easy to be angry at, especially lately just because of all the grudges I’ve been letting go of. It’s too much work to be mad all the time; it just wears me down and stresses me out. I’d much rather just forgive and forget or repress it until I’m in my mid-30s and then buy a sports car to deal with it then. I’ve lost the part of me that wants to fight, I simply don’t give a shit anymore.
That isn’t to say things don’t piss me off, because oh boy, do they. I’ve already talked about my parents, might as well make it a family reunion and include everyone! Nick is being a total, elitist fucking asshole, more so than usual. So long story short, I didn’t graduate high school and don’t hold down what society would call a “real job”, so obviously I have no goals or motivations and pretty much just strive to be homeless by the time I’m 25. Except for that whole, ya know, getting my GED in July (the absolute earliest I can get it), going to college in the fall, etc etc. Those aren’t goals, according to expert fucking Nicholas, they’re silly little pipe dreams that won’t amount to anything. I’d like to say that I just made that up for a dramatic anecdote, but no, he really said that. He truly thinks that I’m worthless; that anything I set out to do will be a colossal failure just like the rest of my life. It’s so fucking awesome to know that your older brother, the person who is probably the closest human being that you have, thinks you’re an absolute waste of space.
It’s funny how, though my job is “stupid” and “pointless”, it pays for the house he lives in (yes, he lives under MY roof), the food in MY kitchen, and the clothes on his back. He can’t even afford to pay a quarter of the rent half the time yet I’m the loser?!
Today he actually told me that I should get a job at Dairy Queen (the place he was fired from two years ago) so that I would know what a “real job is”. He said that working the cash register is “hard work” and the drive-thru window is even worse. Are you fucking kidding me?! This fucking moron who can’t even work a cash register is going to tell me how to live my life? Fuck you!
No fucking offense to anyone who works in fast food, but if you can’t figure out THIS:
within thirty minutes of it first being shown to you, it’s safe to say you’re right where you belong. I mean, for fuck’s same, REALLY? Is pressing a couple buttons hard? Is it difficult to keep track of how many fucking cheeseburgers someone orders? Nick, I might be a high school drop out spiraling down into the gates of Hell, but holy fuck, at least I can work in fast food!
A couple days ago we got on the subject of my taking the GED test, and he accused me of not knowing how to use a calculator. Look, I might suck at math and am just generally stupid as fuck (according to Nick), but hey, just like a cash register, it ain’t fucking rocket science! I can’t even believe I’m writing this like I have something to prove. He’s just such a dick; he has nothing going for him so he has to bring down everyone else. D-I-C-K.
Can we just entertain this thought for a moment…Nick graduated high school last year, not with any honors or achievements; basically he ranked somewhere in the middle of his class. Before graduating, he worked at Dairy Queen for two months during the summer before his junior year. Two fucking months. He worked as a life guard, also for two months, the summer before his senior year. After graduating, Nick spent from May to November doing absolutely nothing. I think he mailed in a few pieces of paper to the Airforce, which mommy and daddy filled out and sent off anyways. So yeah, he did nothing. In November, as a way to get him out of the house and into the working world, my dad got him a job as a plumber’s assistant. He goes to work about three times a week, and since he can only buy his girlfriends, he’s miraculously managed to not get fired and oh yeah, our dad is friends with his boss so I’m sure that helps too.
Now I’m not trying to make it sound like this is a bad thing. He just turned 18, he’s living life out of high school. These are years to relax, enjoy, have fun! That’s all great; I want him to be happy, I want him to enjoy this time while he isn’t being forced to provide for himself. But to think, I’ll be going to college in the fall, living a million miles from everyone I know, truly living my life completely, 100% on my own. I have roughly the next six months until I’m ripping the band-aid off for a good, being a full adult at the age of 17. I never got the wild and crazy years of being a carefree teenager. I was forced to adopt, adapt, and live life as a person 10 years older and wiser than I really am. In all this crazy shit, I should be 26! Again, I’m not trying to be all woe-is-me boooo hoooo hoooo; I just want to live my life without people criticizing me ALL THE TIME.
Which brings me to my next subject! What, did you think I was done?!
My grandfather is coming for Jake’s spring break to “visit”. And by “visit” I mean judge and criticize and ridicule and complain. Because that’s what grandparents are for, obviously. I swear these people come by every few months just so they can find something to bitch about. Talk about people who are always angry at me!
The last time my grandmother was here, everything was perfect. The house was spotless, dinner’s flawless, Jake on his best behavior. Didn’t matter. Didn’t matter for one second because fuck me, I suck! My grandfather is the same way, and I’m willing to bet the first words out of his mouth will be, “Hey Lindsay, any plans to get back in school yet?” to which I’ll reply for the millionth time with, “No, grandpa, I’m getting my GED and going to art school later this year” and then he’ll probably let out some deep sigh of disappointment and then tell me to get him a drink. The same conversation five billion times over. Obviously my happiness, my hopes, and my dreams are meaningless to everybody.
Despite all these problems, I still am doing relatively well in terms of happiness. I’m determined to not let them get to me. Maybe one day I’ll get to prove them all wrong. And then again, there’s always room to crash and burn…
§Rainbows & Skeletons§
PS.: If you actually read this whole thing, thank you! It feels like it was long to write and had a lot of boring, personal shit no one cares about, but if you made it to the end that’s more than I could ask for.
rainbowsandskeletons 